Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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