FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
