She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
