Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
