I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
