just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
