Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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