Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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