its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
