dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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