I'm laying in your front yard are you home
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you