OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
