just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
