that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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