my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
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Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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