I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
