i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
