he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
