Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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