I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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