Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
