i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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