Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just invented taco cereal.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
