my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize