Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
