Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
