I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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