Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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