Got a toothbrush?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
