FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
