If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
