yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I could fuck to npr.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
