I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
