The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
