Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
