I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
