So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
