oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
