i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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