just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
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It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
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I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?