i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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