There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
