I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
