My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
