birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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