we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
