So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
