I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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