I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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