He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
