I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
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There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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