Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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