Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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