I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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