Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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