In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
