Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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