so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
