quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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