how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
